Motherhood

Postpartum guilt

I have had feelings of guilt since he was born- they start when I start pumping and go away when I’m done. It’s just an icky feeling and I can’t figure out why. I also feel guilty when I eat. I guess it’s probably post-partum depression, but I would like to know the root of these feelings. There has to be a reason I am feeling *GUILT* and not sadness. And why does it begin when I pump??

I called the doctors office to see if they knew he was going to be born with clubfoot and just didn’t tell me. No, they insist that his feet look completely normal in the ultrasound at 20 weeks. So is that where the guilt is coming from? That he was completely normal and then something I did made his foot deformed?

I was on medication all throughout my pregnancy because I had chronic migraines. Could that be the reason he developed a clubfoot? If so, then it *is* my fault.

Could the guilt be because I don’t feel like I deserve to be a mother? Sometimes I look at him and think, “I don’t deserve this.” How did I get to have a baby after everything I’ve done wrong in life? That still doesn’t explain the part about why it happens while pumping, though …

I feel so lucky everyday and yet I feel this guilt. I wish it could all just be sunshine and rainbows and then everything would seem so much easier.

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3 thoughts on “Postpartum guilt”

  1. I felt the same when I pumped. It’s odd isn’t it? My son was three months premature and spent 7 weeks in the NICU. I pumped for a month and then I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore and we transitioned him to formula as soon as he came home. The NICU lactation consultants seemed disappointed when I told them I couldn’t do it anymore. When I told them I didn’t want to breastfeed. But my husband supported me completely and I stopped pumping. I’ve never felt such relief in my life!!! It was the best decision I ever made for myself or my son. Of course you need to do what’s right for you, but if you decide to stop pumping don’t let ANYONE make you feel guilty for it! You take care of yourself first in order to be the best mama for your little one ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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